Conversations with mom

It was difficult looking at her face like this..especially because my cheeks were hot, it felt different. and i felt shy, i had never spoken anything like this to her before, nor had i felt anything like this before.. quietly confused, but not very troubled, I turned away from her face, but curled up in her loving arms.

Its hard to see my mother like this, relaxed. I hardly ever saw her relaxing. This was an exceptional sunday afternoon and we were just lying down for an afternoon nap.

She nudged me on.."Go on, tell me..". I was smiling away from her, she couldn't see my face, but felt my smile anyway. "She hugged me warmly and said "its ok molu, tell me"

"Mom...mummy, there is this guy in school.."

"hmm...?"

"he is very nice. he talks to me sometimes.. he is very funny and he looks..you know"

"hmm.."

Now I felt my mother smile. "I just like looking at him. I mean.. when we stand at the main grounds during the assembly sessions, he is very tall. I keep looking at him"

"He is the leader of his class so he stands first in his class line, you know all classes form lines, separate girls' line and boys' line.."

My mother was stroking my hair gently, probably musing over the fact that her little girl had suddenly grown up and now she as a mother was facing the difficult task of guiding her through the years of distractions that lay ahead of her young life.

She cleared her throat, still hugging me and stroking my hair, she said "When you grow up, its natural that you feel like this.. It is a feeling that comes and goes. It need not mean anything, sometimes if you see something that you like in a person, you get attracted to it.. It can be anything, for example - you like tall people, so when you see tall guys, you will naturally have a liking to that person. And when you see more things that are good in that person, you develop more liking towards him"

Though I was listening to my mother, in my head, I was playing again and again the last conversation that he had with me. He had liked my drawings and he told me that I should enter in the drawing competition that was coming up.

"Its not wrong to feel this, but you have to remember, you have to study first, get good marks. Get a nice job."

"If you get distracted now, how will you do your homework and get good marks"

That hit home, I was suddenly all attention. tall boy's face popped away like a bubble. I wasn't sure about the job part, but I definitely wanted the marks. If I dont get really good marks, Madhu would get the general proficiency prize this year. I couldn't possibly let that happen.

"There is time for that also, you know, to get interested in boys. Its all a matter of.."

"Ok mummy, what time is it?? I will go study now, tomorrow we have the science test" Suddenly Madhu's face started floating around in my little head. I jumped out of the bed and started walking away. The moment had passed and all of a sudden, I got troubled.. What would my mom think of me now that my little dirty secret is out? Maybe I shouldnt have spoken about it.. She must be really disappointed in me..

Before I left the room, I turned and looked at my mother. there was a smile on her face - that was the one reason that holds this memory in my not so little head, even now..

Sneha