Where does happiness come from?
An especially ragged morning... these days it doesnt take much to put me in a ragged mood. just a cup of tea spilling and i can switch to a tragedy queen internally and mourn long enough to even miss the best that life has to offer me that day.
Elizabeth Gilbert said you have to have a 'talent in happiness'. I wrote that down some time ago. I wanted to develop that talent, that was the mission of my life. until the tea spilled or something similar happens.
it wasnt just any tea mind you. it was taj mahal, and had the right balance of ginger and sugar. and i did not get a single drop of it. my flask fell to the ground from a good height, the whole of the tea blasted out on to the white floor. i just looked on helplessly and a little mesmerised.
When you are frustrated, watching things get smashed or destroyed is like chicken soup to the soul. i have experienced this once before, few years ago.
I was wearing a hideous bracelet. i had never really liked it, but it came as a set with a necklace i loved and it also matched a number of my clothes. so i wore it anyway. that day was a very difficult day, i going through something at work for many days and it had reached a peak and this day, had been heart breaking, at the same time i wanted to break some people's bones.
Come to think of it, i dont remember what it was that set me off. its always like this, isnt it - things that matter soo much, over which we get so flustered about, 3 years down the line, you cant hecking remember them!
So anyway, i stepped out of the office, i could not take it any longer. I was out near a small garden, walking furiosuly and something got stuck in my shoe. i ripped it out and threw it away.
in the force of what i was doing, my hideous bracelet slipped out of my wrist and hit a nearby rock with such violence that it broke. it didnt just break, it BROKE. it blasted. in 50 directions. i think it had as many as 25 beads. but it seemed to blast in 50 directions.
i just stood there, time went still. i felt like i saw it in slow motion. every single hideous bead flying helplessly away from the violence of what just happened to them. even the band that held them together, something elasticcy, broke into a few pieces. it was glorious.
about 3 or 30 minutes had passed. passers by stared curiously at me. I could have said 'f**k off' but i didnt. In such times of intense vulnerability, life has taught us to always care about what perfect strangers who matter nothing to us and will not even remember us the next moment thought of us. but in that moment, i could have told all of life's teachings to go fly a kite. but i didnt care enough to do even that.
what i just saw was therapeutic and those people had no idea. and i needed therapy. strangely, the frustration had vanished. in its space, there was... nothing.
so i took in a deep breath with my eyes closed and time slowed again. I wanted to fill this emptiness with something. something useful, something helpful. fast, i told my brain. My brain sprung into action, looking at its archives for memories. finding all sorts. it kept tossing out the angry ones, the sad ones, the bitter ones, until it got to the happy ones.
My son looking into my eyes,
my mother and i on a trip,
An especially ragged morning... these days it doesnt take much to put me in a ragged mood. just a cup of tea spilling and i can switch to a tragedy queen internally and mourn long enough to even miss the best that life has to offer me that day.
Elizabeth Gilbert said you have to have a 'talent in happiness'. I wrote that down some time ago. I wanted to develop that talent, that was the mission of my life. until the tea spilled or something similar happens.
it wasnt just any tea mind you. it was taj mahal, and had the right balance of ginger and sugar. and i did not get a single drop of it. my flask fell to the ground from a good height, the whole of the tea blasted out on to the white floor. i just looked on helplessly and a little mesmerised.
When you are frustrated, watching things get smashed or destroyed is like chicken soup to the soul. i have experienced this once before, few years ago.
I was wearing a hideous bracelet. i had never really liked it, but it came as a set with a necklace i loved and it also matched a number of my clothes. so i wore it anyway. that day was a very difficult day, i going through something at work for many days and it had reached a peak and this day, had been heart breaking, at the same time i wanted to break some people's bones.
Come to think of it, i dont remember what it was that set me off. its always like this, isnt it - things that matter soo much, over which we get so flustered about, 3 years down the line, you cant hecking remember them!
So anyway, i stepped out of the office, i could not take it any longer. I was out near a small garden, walking furiosuly and something got stuck in my shoe. i ripped it out and threw it away.
in the force of what i was doing, my hideous bracelet slipped out of my wrist and hit a nearby rock with such violence that it broke. it didnt just break, it BROKE. it blasted. in 50 directions. i think it had as many as 25 beads. but it seemed to blast in 50 directions.
i just stood there, time went still. i felt like i saw it in slow motion. every single hideous bead flying helplessly away from the violence of what just happened to them. even the band that held them together, something elasticcy, broke into a few pieces. it was glorious.
about 3 or 30 minutes had passed. passers by stared curiously at me. I could have said 'f**k off' but i didnt. In such times of intense vulnerability, life has taught us to always care about what perfect strangers who matter nothing to us and will not even remember us the next moment thought of us. but in that moment, i could have told all of life's teachings to go fly a kite. but i didnt care enough to do even that.
what i just saw was therapeutic and those people had no idea. and i needed therapy. strangely, the frustration had vanished. in its space, there was... nothing.
so i took in a deep breath with my eyes closed and time slowed again. I wanted to fill this emptiness with something. something useful, something helpful. fast, i told my brain. My brain sprung into action, looking at its archives for memories. finding all sorts. it kept tossing out the angry ones, the sad ones, the bitter ones, until it got to the happy ones.
My son looking into my eyes,
my mother and i on a trip,
I am eating a steaming hot plate of perfect fried rice,
and my lungs had reached its full capacity, my breath was done, now it was time to exhale..
I slowly opened my eyes and let out a long, calming breath of air.
Talent in happiness, here i come.
and to all those people whose bones were spared, my hideous bracelet said 'you are welcome' from the 50 different places its pieces lay.
and my lungs had reached its full capacity, my breath was done, now it was time to exhale..
I slowly opened my eyes and let out a long, calming breath of air.
Talent in happiness, here i come.
and to all those people whose bones were spared, my hideous bracelet said 'you are welcome' from the 50 different places its pieces lay.
